Beautiful Seatbelt Commercial
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Kiting
We’ve always dabbled in kite flying around here, but sort of let it fly to the wayside the past few years. But this year has been a good year for throwing them back to the wind.
It’s been windy, a lot. So we’ve gotten the kites out. Restrung the dual string, said goodbye to an old friend who has vanished, will be saying hello to a new one our 12 year old has purchased for himself, and introduced ourselves to a new one to us, and a friends kite that came to play with the dragonfly this past weekend. We also got a small 21″ kite, and a 4″ finger kite for our youngest, neither which have yet been flown.
It was a little too windy this weekend, but it was fun anyways. We all had a blast, got beat up, laughed a lot, rescued the diamond a few times, and sent them flying from the ground more times than any of us can remember, but it was all worth it.
I don’t have photos of all the kites here, just the dragonfly and our dear friend Sally’s diamond. But I’ll be chasing down the rest of them, and my kite, (which is the best kite of them all if I must say!) and will be posting those later on. Note that I say us, and we, in all of this and it’s all my better half and the kids, and I run around picking up the kites and sending them soaring into the air, or making photographs, or just basking in the beauty in them.
I love to watch them fly. I love to fly them too. But it makes my heart ache a little. Isn’t that a little odd?
≈209 viewsI Always Have
So I got a phone call from my mom yesterday, from the ER, where she was alone, with a broken arm after a fall down the stairs in her apartment. She had called grandma to take her to there, but sent her home. At this point, little was known except that it was broke and the Dr. had called in another Dr. and I was approximately 938 miles away.
So anyways. I tracked my brother down at work, which was a trick and a little bit since the first call got me to his voicemail (after getting his voicemail on his cell, and his girl’s voicemail on her cell) so I called back again and before I got sent to his voicemail again hurriedly explained who I was and that I needed to speak to him directly because his mother was in the hospital. Ok, only a little exaggeration, but enough to get him found.
I filled him in on what little I knew and he was off, and has since been taking care of mom with her pretty badly broken arm that needs surgery to repair it, pretty extensive time off work to heal it, and lots of tlc. He’s got her situated in a pretty comfy looking corner of the couch at his new home with his girl and their family has been there for mom, thank God. I say that with more sincerity and grace than any word on a screen could ever convey.
Here’s my mom’s shoulder, that white line right underneath the nub is the break. She’ll be getting plates and pins on Sunday morning after spending Saturday afternoon and night admitted in the hospital.
It’s been strange, in a way that I can’t explain, hearing all of what is going on, seeing photos on facebook and getting updates in email. And here I sit, approximately 938 miles away, going on with my life, when hers, and my brother and his family’s has been halted in a way that was unexpected, very unwanted and just plain sucky. It’s surreal and I feel helpless and maybe I am just feeling a little sorry for myself because I can’t do anything, and I am a doer by nature, by disaster survival, by learned habit. When things go to hell, I just naturally kick into this do or die mode and here I am, 938 miles away in do or die mode and I can’t do. It’s bizarre.
But you know what? She’s my mom too. I -should- be there too. I should be helping too. It shouldn’t all just be on my brother, and I am so, so very thankful that he is there, and that he has been there the past 10 years that I have been gone, and maybe he is thinking ‘why does she care now’ but I always have. I always have. I never didn’t not care. I just never said so. That was my ultimate mistake, but I am not the same person anymore, and there was a lot that was never said. But I am saying it now. I want to be there, I wish I could be. If I could be, I would. I know it doesn’t change anything, or make anything different, but maybe just knowing will help even a little.
≈341 viewsNot Quite Fitting…
Easter has come and gone. It’s a difficult holiday for me on a good year, and this year was not one of those years. It came in a quick blur and had it not been for the stores filling their shelves months in advance with a plethora of chocolate bunnies and ridiculous stuffed things and the observance of lent I might likely have forgotten about it, as many people did, until Good Friday arrived in a fury.
We did the usual coloring of the eggs, and the traditional hiding of them, and then the finding of them. Of course we ate them too afterward, as deviled eggs and egg salad sandwiches. Though this year they did not go far as there were not as many eggs as a normal year brought, but it was good. There is such a thing as too many eggs to be eaten.
It was a pleasant quiet day spent with family, enjoying each others company and playing games outside. We attempted to get one of the two large kites in the air but the usually windy air was unusually still and it was flew for only a few moments. Still, it was a good thing.
We don’t observe a very religious Easter around here, as we feel it has gotten very off base of what the original intent was meant to be, and personally for us it just doesn’t work, so we enjoy the spring weather and celebrate our family instead. I think it’s okay that way. Our children know what happened to Christ, and why we have Easter. They don’t quite get the whole Easter Bunny, egg, and cross mix-up. But one day I will explain to the younger three how the Christians of long ago adopted a Pagan ritual to try to recruit new followers/help new followers feel more comfortable/whatever. Our oldest knows already. I don’t know if I will be able to explain how it is ok for many Christians to try to persecute Pagan’s nowadays though. That too baffles me. Especially since many Christian “rituals” are taken from older religions.
Ah well, it is just one more reminder to me of why I will not find a “Church Home” despite that I am a very devout follower of Christ and sometimes miss the idea of it. I am smart enough to know the idea of something and reality of something are two very different things though. I am too outspoken to ever fit anywhere in a religious setting. I am too spiritual in my beliefs, too open in them, and not one to be told what I will believe. I have ventured a long, hard journey to come to where I am in my faith. I know I would have a very small chance of finding one that I mesh with, even if I compromised some, especially in such a small community. My family has faced persecution in our community as it is without attending church, it would be worse if we did. It is sad, but, I also know I don’t need a church to believe in, or follow God.
I know I will never fit quite right, kind of like this egg.
I’ve Been Too Quiet..
It probably would seem that I have forgotten about this space here, but I have not.
I’ve just been busy with life.
I haven’t had much to say here, well, I have. But none of it I felt was worth mentioning, so I haven’t.
I’m still struggling. I still don’t quite know where I want to go. Or what to do. Or what I want to do. I still have no means to pursue any of it, and am struggling over circumstances to fix that problem. Not much has changed, and I am trying to come to terms with all of that. I’m also toying with some ideas for a more user friendly less white space design, that is giving me fits of unhappiness, and a couch that I am getting to reupholster, among other little things I have going on. Maybe it’s time to just cut the hobbies down.
Also, the children have been home for the last 9 days with spring break, and I have been spring cleaning the house, clearing away the harshness of the past winter, that was a wretched one that brought over 60″ of snow in a very short period of time. The yard looked like every tree lost 100 branches and we had that to contend with since it’s only just now getting to be nice out.
It’s been crazy here.
In reality I just haven’t found a calm quiet place to sit and write here like I would like. And I have no new photographs to show, that aren’t just screw off shots of me trying to appease the burning in my soul, that don’t suffice at all.
So there is little to say, and I am just filling space and trying to reassure anyone who does stop by that I haven’t forgotten here.
≈174 viewsTroubled.
I’m wandering lost in this world that I have created to suit the comforts of those around me. It’s worked. But it’s getting very uncomfortable for me. I’ve suppressed desires and needs of my own because of my family, but now I am finding them harder to deny, to push away, and I am finding myself at a place where I am looking into them.
I am exploring websites, and blogs, and reading books and feeling this ache and I don’t know what to do. I wonder if this is common for women who have made the choice to stay home and raise their children and take care of their families, once they reach an age where they are no longer needed so much, but are still needed so often.
It’s a terrible place to be. But a wonderful one, don’t get me wrong.
It’s troubling, too.
Where do you go?
What do you do when you find yourself at this place? When circumstances, finances and situations leave you no choice but to continue on as you have but you feel this pull from so deep within you that you can no longer ignore it, but the searching and seeking only makes it worse? Do you do as you have always done and walk away once more and grieve it once more and die a little more inside?
≈209 viewsToo quiet, too little time,
and always something.
My littlest has been sick this week, she’s also my healthiest one and this has been a trying week for her. Hopefully she will finally be on the upswing, but as I write this out quickly she is sleeping on the couch waiting for time to go retrieve her older siblings from the bus stop.
I, am wore out. It has a been a long week, trying to fight off the same stuff she has, deal with life as it comes, and work through my own pre-spring blues really want to change things around but feeling frustrated because nothing ever seems to come in my favor moodiness, so I’ve avoided a lot of stuff and just been rather quiet. Having my littlest home has helped make that easier. I’ve spent a good bit of time coming up with post ideas, then scratching them. It’s been a week of up downs all around.
Hoping to a quiet weekend, no major floods, a little rejuvenation and some hope perhaps.
≈263 viewsReflecting
Ah. So. Last August my dSLR bit the dust, and I did not replace it. I’ve talked about it before a few times, and I am happy with my decision. I was never really -happy- with my dSLR in the first place. It was not the brand, type, style, or anything of dSLR that I had, it just simply the dSLR itself that I was not happy with.
I started out with a rangefinder, and I long for a rangefinder again. So, when mine died a sad slow (quality level of death I should state it -still- works, just not up to my level of standards) death, I felt it was fate. And walked screaming quietly from it. It now sits on the other desk, and collects mass amounts of dust, yes, I know. Sad. But true. Though lately I hear it beckoning me and though I know I will curse it extensively if I do pick it up, because like I said, quality issues. I won’t go there again, it is not right for me.
I have another now, non-dSLR camera, it’s a (please don’t scream) point and shoot. It’s not brilliant quite yet, but it will be, it has the potential, hence the choice. My last point and shoot (pre-dSLR) was. But my heart is crying a little, because it’s not the rangefinder my heart really wants. But hey, I’m a patient woman. I waited 4 years, yes, I did say four years, for the dSLR, and look where that ended up. We had some great times, and some great photos together, but it just wasn’t a match made in heaven. I want to go back to my roots. But I know it will be another long awaited journey, as things go with me. And I will wait patiently, for I know it will come, I just don’t know when. For in the meantime, I have this brilliant little point and shoot to learn to shoot the daylights out of, and I will. Just watch for it. But anyways.
This post has come about because I hopped back into my archives to last August, and found one of the last photographs I took with my dSLR before I made the plunge and said enough I can’t take it anymore, and decided to share it.
Enjoy.
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Profundity
I like, no, I love profound things. Things that move me, that shake the foundations of my very being and rock my little world. I seek them out purposefully and never know where I will find them. I do this all. the. time. in my day to day life. Sometimes I find them in art. In photography. In words. Sometimes in a film, in a drawing, in another’s suffering, joy, bliss. I find it in small simple things, or in grand large things. In things I want to reach out and participate in, but can not. In things that I want to run far away from and never hear of again.
Yes, I know, complex isn’t it?
I joke often that it’s no wonder I suffer chronic migraines. And I do this to myself on purpose, on a daily basis.
I enjoy this immense, indescribable joy when I stumble upon these without seeking them out. I wanted to write by accident but I don’t believe they come by accident. I believe that I am led to them because there is something within them that I need to know, hear, feel, see, experience (even if from a distance), there is something within them that I need.
Yea, complex. It’s my world. Perhaps my blog should be the blissful complex, not chaotic.
So, back to what started this, though I’m not sure at this point that it’s related anymore but I picked up The Time Traveler’s Wife from the library, on the simple premise that I had heard so much about the movie I wanted to know if it was really that good. Because I come from the school if the book is that good, then the movie will be okay-ish, maybe great, but I was stopped dead in my tracks for approximately 6 hours while I devoured it and good thing my children are all in school I had a free day to soak it it. I am trying to decide now if I even want to bother with the movie, because there is just no possible way it can be done good enough to suit me. Because I am a film snob. I want grace, and talent, a good script, oh and actors who can act, and I want the movie to follow the book when it matters, and I don’t want to be disappointed. This is 2 hours of my time I am giving the creators. So, yea, like I said, I’m a film snob, I’m incredibly picky but will give almost anything a chance, but when I can pick up a book, and have it affect me like that one did, I want the movie to do so on an equal level.
The Lovely Bones, which I briefly scribbled out one small disappointing paragraph about earlier (which you can ignore) did effect me, because I read the book before the film as well. I was curious how it would be done. I don’t like my films spoiled either, but curiousity got the best of me and I watched an HBO special, and spoiled it just a little, but intrigued me enough that I knew they would do the book justice, in visual regards. The story however, well, they did, but they didn’t, in a big way.
So I’m torn. I want to talk to someone who has read The Time Traveler’s Wife, and has also seen the film, and ask them, will it ruin it. But then, it’s all subjective. They may have hated the book. It in all likelihood did not reach them like it did me, and I really can’t say why it did. It’s too much for here. But I want to know. It’s profound. On many a level. I hear the film is good, great, excellent. But then, they said Twilight was too, and it was wretched.
I also want to know, am I the only one who hunts the profound for sport?
≈263 viewsI’ve Been Keeping a Secret.
I Have a Heart Tug that began quite sometime ago, but I really wasn’t sure what it was, as I was tangled up in the mess of trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do because I had read some words some professionals in the industry said. So instead of listening to the heart tug, I listened to them. It was a little dumb, I know.
So, after my leave of absence, I am sort of semi back, slowly trying to find a groove, to find a balance that does not ignore the heart tug, except for one thing, this heart tug is impossible. It is one of those things that requires me give me of myself that which I currently and presently can not because I am a mom, a wife, a caretaker of my own. I am, as I said to someone the other day, presently only 100% reliable to family. Part of that is due to circumstance surrounding my current living situation, my current vehicle situation (leaky brake lines on 2nd vehicle have rendered it parked permanently until it is fixed), and honestly, my family just comes first. My youngest is almost 9. For now, I need to be where I’ve been since they’ve been babies. Available at a moment’s notice, for them.
But don’t tell them this, it’s getting uncomfortable, and the heart tug is getting harder to ignore. So I’m trying to sort out a compromise within myself. Can I do this without leaving home? Now, that link is just someone else’s heart tug advice for someone like me who hasn’t done this before. I think I can. I’m just not sure how yet. Given the circumstances of where I currently reside. If I hadn’t been so rudely yanked away from my home by Hurricane Katrina, it would be so much easier; there is where this started. So I’m thinking on my home turf, for now. We too, have these needs here, that go largely ignored. So. Yup. The cat’s out of the bag. I’m just not sure what to do now, given all the variables against my heart tug, for at least 9 more years. But I’m not sure I can bear 9 years of this.
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